The Wojtyla Case
The secret connection between The Pope's faintings, Fidel and Sesame Street.

By Andres Burgos

Anyone who possesses a minimal capacity for analysis will have noted that what is happening to the Pope is not normal. It has been many years now since the leader of the Roman Church has stagnated his aging process. He would seem to have reached the physical limits for a human being. And he will not take a step beyond that. The figure of this old but determined man fills in such a way the public opinion’s collective memory that the candid and naïve tend to think that he always looked that way. However, within certain not so trusting circles, a new, more realistic, theory is starting to gain momentum: Karol Wojtyla has died, but Pope John Paul II is still alive.

The Holy Father died long ago. However, given the charisma that, despite his obvious decay, this public figure had around the world, the high command of the Catholic Church decided to keep alive a little more than his memory. The absence of a high-profile successor would put at risk the status of Catholicism as a business. They proceeded then to keep the Polish Pope alive. The first thing they did, once Wojtyla went to sleep “the dream of the just”, was to keep the death a secret. The Vatican manipulated the information and ran the rumour that the Holy Father had the flu and was going to seclude himself a couple of days in his quarters to protect his frail health. This gave time to the Catholic high command to put in place its emergency plan.

But, how to keep alive someone who is already dead? Would not that in itself imply a paradox? Various proposals, which, though in paper looked good, crumbled down before the impossibility of being executed without evident gaps. Mummification was discarded for its literal lack of flexibility. Even though the Pope’s body could be fitted with a mechanism that could give it movement, technological advancements still did not permit extreme positions, like crouching, needed to kneel and kiss the ground. The possibility of God’s representative breaking in two horrified the people in charge of the project.

Utilizing a body double was also quickly discarded. After being consulted, Milan Kundera subtly let it be known that he was not interested in the position. Besides, someone who looked alike did not guarantee the lasting effect that The Vatican, bent on investing in the long term, was going for. Ageing inexorably runs down all human beings, including members of the jet set and Popes, with the further deterrent that the latter can not use plastic surgery with the same carelessness as movie stars.

What to do then? The solution was so simple and obvious that it was pure genius. Inspired by the famous children’s TV show Sesame Street, the ones in charge of keeping John Paul II created a puppet identical to him. They tried, and succeeded, to overshadow any possible design flaws thanks to the likeable and candid personality of the character.

Ever since its creation, the new Pope has been manned by two teenagers from the far away ends of the old Iron Curtain, who are unaware of the existence of the Catholic faith. To them, dressing up as His Sanctity is simply another job, with a salary barely any better than working at McDonald’s.

Once the issue of image was put behind, the voice did not constitute a problem, because there were thousands of recordings of Wojtyla’s words. They were even able to lower costs by creating a single recording, regardless of the amount of languages supposedly spoken by the disappeared leader. The Pope was understood, no matter what language he spoke. His herd accepted the purring of his sermons with the same peacefulness with which travellers follow the unintelligible instructions voiced out by speakers at airports throughout the world.

The success of this measure has been such that even the risks turned into advantages. Some of the puppet operators, unable to withstand the high temperatures inside, have fainted as a result. But this, if anything, has given an even more human tone to a character who, at his age, and despite being well preserved, is susceptible to suffering these type of afflictions.

The results have been more than satisfactory and there are even those who are whispering that other groups in power are already following suit. Many international analysts are already starting to look at Fidel Castro with suspicious eyes. As far as the date of the death of John Paul II, a crystal ball is not required to see that it is very imminent. The ones in charge of his conservation will let him go soon, as he has already accomplished his mission and the suspicions must be quieted. They obtained what they wanted, and the key to perpetuate the leaders who will return the Catholic Church its old splendour is once again theirs.